Exciting News!!!!

This is neat. I was digging through some old things from the making of Jack's Living Dead Girl and I found the video from our cast party:



Everyone got laid that night, I assure you.

THREEFER NOW WITH LOUIS C.K.

Here is something from Comedian louis C.K

This is pretty much sums up the making of this movie you have to watch

TWOFER

Charles Manson answered same way when asked "Who Seen Jack's Living Dead Girl?"

Here's another reason you should watch our damn movie.

This Guy:

This guy is actually a brother of one of the actresses in this movie

We'll let you guess which one.  PSSST.  Look at the Last name.  HINT:  It's not cassie or Julia.

(Disclaimer):  Not true.  But Fuck them both.  Neither have seen this movie.

FYI

I watch Jack's Living Dead Girl with the same expression Jon Voight has when he watches Jennifer Lopez:



That's also the expression I have when I watch people sleep.

Why Aren't you Watching the Fucking Movie yet?

1,440 Viewers Is a horrible number for youtube.com.  It's not Respectable.  This video below has 1,058,410

So Apparently people would rather watch a monkey sniffing poop on his finger than watch the movie.  So What's the deal?  Have we not had enough butt sniffing in the movie?  There is an editing option where I can insert a monkey sniffing his ass in the middle of Ted's speech.  I'll do it.  What if I insert a wounded baby dolphin struggling for it's last breath?  Because THAT VIDEO has two hundred more views than we have on this movie.  That means two hundred more people would rather see a baby dolphin die than this amazing video

Come on people.  Granted The Camera work is better on the baby dolphin video.  But C'mon people.
Just watch the fucking movie.

No Moore

Some guy wrote into Time magazine about James Poniewozik's piece denouncing James O'Keefe's hit job on NPR. The man said James (I refuse to type his last name ever again) had previously drooled adoringly over Michael Moore, and wondered why the left never criticized Moore for the same tactics.

This man is absolutely right. James O'Keefe is just a mini-Moore with a different agenda. Michael Moore's whole mendacious oevre is celebrated by a lot of the left, to the detriment of all. It's not hard for people to find out all the frauds this man has pulled off in his movies. I used to love Michael Moore until in college the Sundance channel did me the great favor of showing the movie Manufacturing Dissent. It's a movie made by two Canadian liberals about all deceptions in Michael Moore's movies and life. It shows, ultimately, that Michael Moore's unnecassary lies don't just hurt the lefts causes, they hurt documentary films in general. Who won't be skeptical of every documentary, after learning the most famous documentarian is just a charlatan fantasist?

The movie also shows that, while Michael Moore goes around denouncing the corporate greed and excess everywhere in his dirty little baseball hat costume, he sleeps in beautiful hotels while his crew sleeps in grime. On the Colbert Report last night he says the elite is taking from "us," as he deftly lumped himself in with the middle class. And I will be forever grateful that Stephen Colbert replied, "Your baseball cap doesn't fool anyone." Michael Moore is not one of "us" and I resent him trying to be the face of the middle class. This man is not Cesar Chavez. Every time I see him, I grow more convinced that he is a mountebank. He is a toad. The champion of the left can not be a man who has to keep a 24/7 operation running, devoted to defending himself from accusations of misinformation and prevarication. There is no other figure with as little credibility on the left except maybe David Brock. I have no use for liars who agree with me.

Stop trotting out Michael Moore. He said if people didn't rise up after seeing Capitalism: A Love Story, he would quit making movies. I would love this to be the one honest thing he's ever said.

Wonders Never Cease

Every day I plug Christopher Hitchens name into Google News to see what Hitch is up to. (This week, dying seems to occupy most of his time.) When I do it, at the bottom of the page there is a section titled "News archive results for christopher hitchens." The first headline is "Nation Columnist Christopher Hitchens Fingers Clinton Aide." Yowza! Sounds like Hitch and Clinton have more in common than he would care to admit.

The tolerant branch of peace

Whenever Sufism comes up in an article it is always stressed that it is the "tolerant" branch of the religion of peace. I have never heard the word Sufism not prefaced with the word "tolerant." Apparently it's tolerance is part of what really makes it stick out. It seems almost unthinkingly applied. It's a cliche. The "mystical, tolerant Sufis." How tolerant are they, really? Just tolerant compared to all the other Muslims? What do these other Muslims think about the monopoly on tolerance Sufis seem to have? And does "tolerance" in this case, just mean "won't kill you?" 

I don't know the answers to these questions. I see no reason to accept or reject that Sufis are, on the whole, tolerant. But the constant repition of the "tolerant Sufi" trope leads me to believe that there is a tacit admission that the rest of Islam is not all that tolerant. Why else are they always distinguished in this way?

The Nonevent that Shook the World!

I got my free issue of Time again. Under a section titled "10 Ideas that will Change the World" is this earth shaking idea: You will continue to not meet an alien. Well.....that's not really an idea that's going to change the world, is it? That's like saying "My idea that will change the world is you will continue to not be attacked by a jackalope." Something that I didn't think was going to happen continuing to not happen isn't going to change my world. My aunt thinks she saw an alien spacecraft, so it might change her world. But I don't think you can convince her she didn't see an alien spacecraft. Once people jump to a crazy conclusion, they usually don't want to jump back.

It's a good article, but it's a bit out of place.

America: Forever Worshiping the Dead

You know who I'm sick of hearing about: the Founding Fathers. Every political argument in the world begins and ends with "the Founding Fathers intended." You know what? Fuck the Founding Fathers. Fuck 'em with a shovel handle. They're dead. They don't get to influence modern day policy. I don't let dead people do my thinking for me. This country spends a frustrating amount of time ventriloquizing for dead people.

Here is a partial list of dead people I'd like to see fuck off:

Jesus
Martin Luther King Jr.
Albert Einstein
Thomas Jefferson
George Washington
The Prophet Muhammad
JFK
RFK
Ted Kennedy
Ghandi
John Madison
Ben Franklin
Ronald Reagan
Mother Theresa
FDR
Teddy Roosevelt
Ike Eisenhower
John Adams
George Orwell
William Buckley
George Carlin
Stalin
Hitler
Pol Pot
Lenin
Franco
Charles Darwin
Harry Truman
L. Ron Hubbard
John Lennon
Hunter S. Thompson
Sid Vicious
Walter Kronkite
Ed Murrows
Bob Hope
Clark Gable
Tupak
Elvis Presley
and Rock Hudson

Blood Liable

I believe there is a thing called Sarah Palin Derangement Syndrome. And George Bush Derangement Syndrome. I believe these things exist because I suffer from both of them. And I have only a mild case; a full-blown case of George Bush Derangement Syndrome expresses  itself  in symptoms like 9/11 truth movements and claiming George Bush put a lot of evil thought into the invasion of Iraq when it could just as easily be argued that he didn't put any thought into it at all.

Sarah Palin Derangement Syndrome is even more pernicious, I think, because she's a talking head. Therefore, she doesn't get blamed for what she does so much as what she says. And she says a lot of stupid shit. And when she says something stupid and someone else does something stupid, the fevered derangement in the liberal mind begins.

I read an article in Rolling Stone by Tim Dickinson where Palin Derangement Syndrome met the worst mental disorder currently rampant in the liberal mindscape: Liberal Islam Delusion. This is the delusion that violent jihad is not really motivated by Islam. Some believe it is a distortion of Islam. Some believe it is a misinterpretation of Islam. Some believe it is taken out of context. Some say that whatever was written last supercedes the nasty bits. It's a lot like argueing about the best way to create a flirkton. People can argue all day long that we shouldn't use puppy bones to make a flirkton, but the other people say the flirkton won't work otherwise and the flirkton is the only way to bring about world peace. This arguement would go on for ages because there is no such thing as a flirkton. And we have spent years indulging these idiots and saying it's perfectly normal to believe there is. Nobody can win an arguement over things that don't exist. There are no facts to gather. Anything anybody says about the flirkton is objectively false. The same thing goes for God. You can say God says "don't kill," I can say God says "kill lot's," we are both wrong because God didn't say a fucking thing. And the only way we can convince people that they shouldn't kill people in the name of God is when we convince them there is no God to kill for. And that is not going to  happen with liberal Muslims. Liberal Muslims are not the answer. They are philisophical enablers. They are part of the problem.

But a liberal who would shit on a Christian every day of the week get's very weak-kneed with loving emotion when an Imam is around. There is a very condescending love for Muslims. They're brown, they're exotic, they're untouched by crass America, they're pure. Liberals look at Muslims almost like they are the Navi from Avatar. And, like the Navi, their way of life is sacrosanct. And anything that impugns their way of life is imperialist, and racist. It is a very strange thing to watch.

These two things: Palin Derangement and Muslim worship went haywire when two massacres happened, and in the Tim Dickinson article the two haywires connected in a very unappealing fashion.

When Nidal Hasan killed 13 people, society speculated, as they always do, about the motive. Liberals urged everyone to not immediately jump to the conclusion that he did this because of Islam. Conservatives (and a lot of us atheists) concluded that Islam was the likely reason. The liberal restraint was the most ethical and reasonable response until the facts came in.

Then Jared Lee Loughner went on his shooting spree; grievously wounding Tea Party target Gabrielle Giffords. She hardly had time to bleed before Sarah Palin was being burned in effigy. Far from urging restraint, the conservatives denied she had anything to do with it.

Tim Dickinson says "In short, Palin and the right were eager to blame Al Qaeda's rhetoric for Fort Hood, yet they reject any such culpability when someone attempts to assasinate a congresswoman" who Palin called a target and put a bullseye over.

Here's the thing: there is a direct line between Nidal Hasan and Al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula and violent jihadist beliefs. There is not even an indirect line between Jarad Loughner and Palin. So, however premature, the conservatives were right in both cases. And long after the facts came in, the liberals refuse to admit it. They still want to blame Sarah Palin for the actions of a psychologically damaged individual who was fascinated with apolitical conspiracies. And Tim Dickinson call's Sarah Palin a "self-serving hypocrite" when she defends herself against the charge.

Blaming somebody for blood they did not shed is "blood libel." It is not only an appropriate term, it is the MOST appropriate term. And Palin Derangement Syndrome was activated again when she used it in her defense.

I do not consider my self completely free of Palin Derangement Syndrome because the very sound of her voice makes me want to slit my wrists, but I have enough self-control not embarrass myself in this way. And lack of shame is another symptom of Palin Derangement Syndrome. They should not feel shame on behalf of Sarah Palin, but on behalf of fellow liberals. Because when you react this stupidly to things, you hurt the fight for causes that I believe in. And you hurt respect for the truth.

Propellerhead

Did anybody ever actually wear propeller hats? They must have. This company claims they've been selling them since 1976. Not only that but custom-making them. Who are the spazzes who want a personal touch on their propeller hat. The company has a list of their top 10 best-sellers (however that's defined) and I am horrified to discover that they are all adult-sized. Where are these proppeller-headed adults? I'm guessing they are hipsters or irony-mongers. I'd like to find someone who isn't wearing it in an ironic manner. Someone who would say "I don't know, I saw a hat with a propeller on it and thought it couldn't hurt." So if that person is out there, make yourself known.

Time out

I complained about the overwhelming amount of Michaels writing for Time magazine not to long ago, and suggested a Kermit or a Casper to sort of dilute the Michael-ness of it all. Not even meeting me halfway Time has unveiled it's brand-new regular columnist: Mike Murphy. Mike!

I'm not stupid, Time magazine, I am well aware that Mike is short for Michael. This bias for Michaels and variants thereof is extremely odd. I've never seen such a high concentration of Michaels. It is becoming increasingly clear that a Dylan or a Gavin would have no chance at Time magazine. Because the next Michael will be right around the corner, pushing them out.

Time, I think your Michael-crazed hiring policy is starting to be self-destructive. Mike Murphy is a Republican "strategist" or "consultant." In other words, a professional liar. Why do I want to hear from a professional liar? The correct answer is: I do not. Was Mike Murphy really the only choice out there, Time? Was he the only one willing to come on staff? Or was he just another Michael to add to your collection!? I'm on to you Time! And as long as you keep coming free to my home, I'll keep my eye on you.

Ruskies!

Somebody has stumbled upon my blog agaaaaaiin! And, as is my policy, I will reveal their search keywords because I always find them amusing out of context.

 In this case the person was from Russia and he/she plugged into Russias' favorite search engine, Yandex, the following: "the article shows the cult." I know, sounds a lot like Buffalo Bill, right?

Is it possible that my pig-cult is considered "the" cult in Russia? Well, judging by this video, I would say absolutely!

Now, wait a minute

There is a website called Pandagon where I thought I was going to see up-to-date information on panda's but instead I found a really angry post about a guy named Miguel. The author is Amanda Marcotte, and she doesn't appear to know Miguel any better than I do. Apperently dead level in our knowledge of Miguel, Amanda has somehow managed to form extremely intense feelings of rage towards him. It appears to stem from two passages from a book that he posted, in which a woman is beaten by her beau and also doesn't have sex with her friend who likes her. Miguel posted these excerpts in a manner that says, "Hey, what's wrong with this guy. He doesn't hit you." Amanda read these passages, went berserk and seems to have yet to recover.

She says Miguel's reaction to the woman getting beaten is, "Damn, there's one more woman whose pussy I'm not penetrating, woe is me." She implies that Miguel feels absolutely no sympathy for the woman, he is a self-absorbed narcissist, and that he is an asshole. Then she reads the rest of his post! HA HA HA HA! Thank God he didn't post something from Lolita or she might have contacted the FBI.

Here's the thing: She might be right about Miguel. I don't know. As of yet Miguel has barely written any words of his own. But isn't it possible that Miguel could feel sorry that this woman is being beaten and hope she gets help, and also would like to have sex with her? And isn't it possible that, feeling these two things, he only expressed one of them? What evidence does she have that he doesn't care about the woman? He hasn't even commented on the passage yet (and he really never does)!

So, here we have a woman with a fairly large following branding a man she has never heard of a misogynist based on two excerpts from a book he did not write. I implore her to have a higher standard of evidence than this. I am perfectly capable of feeling sympathy and sexual attraction towards all sorts of people. I didn't realize until this exact moment that I am alone in this. Sometimes I feel sympathy towards someone, and hungry for donuts. I really am something special! And here is something really wild: I hated George Bush but I felt sympathy with his dyslexic speaking style. Can you believe it? I felt two different things at once! And I only ever expressed my hatred. From this, I made the mistake that others also can feel two different things. But Amanda appears to think they don't. Amanda appears to think that if someone says something, that's all they're thinking. One of us has jumped to a very stupid conclusion.

The man in the story appears to be in love with the woman. I assume this would be true whether she was getting beaten or not. Obviously he would be frustrated that she doesn't feel the same; and I feel frustrated for him. Miguel seems to as well. I don't understand why these are such hateful thoughts. I have liked people who don't like me. LOT'S of people. Really, an unhealthy amount of people. It's frustrating. They aren't feelings people want to feel. But, feelings being feelings, there they are. So I will go on record ( knowing full well no one is reading this) as saying that I don't think Miguel is wrong for feeling sympathy for a man who is in love with an abuse victim (even if the man does seem like a jackass). And even though I disagree with Miguel, I find no evidence that he is a "megadouche" "asshole." On the other hand, in this case, Amanda Marcotte seems like a hasty, judgemental cunt!  :)

Another Review!!!

We have recieved another review for Jack's Living Dead Girl. This movie is spreading like a wildfire, in that it destroys lives and dreams wherever it goes. I will say, this weeks review goes light on any real critiques and is heavy on ad hominem abuse. But I'm a fair man, I'll let our critics be heard. Here it is:

What about Bob?

I don't know how else to say this: There are too many people named Michael writing for Time magazine. There is Michael Scherer, Michael Crowley, Michael Elliot, Michael Schuman, Michael Duffy, Michael Grunwald. There should not be more than 2 Michaels per issue. Where are they getting all these Michaels? They have acquired a Fareed and a Barton, which is certainly on the right track. I would like to see a Kermit and a Casper replace two of the Michaels and I will be well on my way to sorting these people out.

The Arrival = Not Winning

Don't get me wrong, I like Hot Shots: Part Deux as much as the next guy but can't we be done with Charlie Sheen at long last. Lot's of people can party with hot women without threatening and beating and shooting them. As far as I know, Hugh Hefner has yet to shoot a single woman. And his threats of violence just bring peals of laughter from whoever they're directed at.

It seems to me it doesn't take a lot to make Charlie Sheen angry and confused. He has a history of jumping to really stupid and hysterical conclusions. "This Asian movie is gross: must be a snuff film." "The Twin Towers HAD to have been brought down by our government." "Where are my shoes? I guess I'll strangle a hooker to death and leave her in a swamp."

And he appears to have an ever-expanding ego, meaning once he jumps to a stupid conclusion, he won't jump back off because he is never wrong. So, when a frightened porn star insists she had nothing to do with his missing watch, she is obviously lying because "special" Charlie is incapable of misplacing such things. Thus, the porn star must pay. This will eventually lead to the hooker in the swamp. In fact, if I were you people I would start going in shifts to the swamp and just wait for him to arrive. It should be any day now.

In contrast, if you want to watch a movie starring people who don't think they are right about anything, you should watch Jack's Living Dead Girl.

A New Review!

Wow, a new review of  Jack's Living Dead Girl is in! The reviewer promises to get "deep" into the movie, because there are many layers to this film. Like Inception, it is one shocking thing after another. Also like Inception, it all seems like it might be a bad dream. Anyway, here are his profound thoughts on Jack's Living Dead Girl:

You saw a what?

I point you to a quote from Michael Bloomberg in last weeks Time: "[T]he last time I saw a deer with a bullet-proof vest was a long time ago."

Folks, I'm worried about Michael Bloomberg. I'm not sure his mental health history has been scrutinized as much as it should have been. How else am I supposed to take his confession that he has seen a deer in armor. This needs to be investigated. I'm sorry, but a man can't just admit he's seen a deer wearing a bullet-proof vest and then leave it at that. How could this not elicit a follow-up question? Like: How often did you see this "deer?" What other things did you used to see? Did you tell anyone about this "deer?" Did these deer visitations interfere with your day? Are you on some sort of medication?

Should this deer militia start haunting him again, who knows what he could do with his command of city power. This man is a danger to himself and others. He must be stopped!

Today's Hero of Science: Stubbins Ffirth

Besides having an awesome-looking name (two f's in a row!) Stubbins Ffirth also has an awe-inspiring ball-girth for what he did in his experiments with yellow-fever victims. Specifally, drink their blackish vomit to prove yellow fever isn't contagious. Blackened or not, vomit rarely beckons to be drank, but Stubbins either has no gag reflex or is not altogether bothered when it's triggered. In this latter sense, he is the precursor to our modern day Steve-o. 

Judge him as a wackaloon if you want, but ask yourself:  If a yellow fever victim was retching in a bucket in front of you, would you say "Hey, don't empty your bucket when you're done. I mean to drink that." Me neither! And the fact that the vomit was black makes it even more gross, and thus, more heroic.

So, Stubbins! I bow to you, you sick fucking bastard.

Why, thankee madam!

Our first review for our movie Jack's Living Dead Girl is in, and, overall, I'd say she liked it. I agree with most of her criticisms, although they were unavoidable considering what we were working with (incompetence). But she is practically gushing with praise towards the end of her review. I have to say, it almost made me blush!

Santorum!

Apparently that frothy mix of fecal matter and lube that is often created during anal sex is called santorum after secretly gay senetor Rick Santorum. I'm glad there is actually a name for it. I'm sick of saying "Honey, we made that stuff again."

People?

Two million, two hundred and ninety-two thousand, one hundred and five views:



I don't want to downplay the her child-like singing into a chunk of wood but we made a movie. Whatever happened to respect for hard work? Whatever happened to the Protestant Ethic? Whatever happened to the magnetic allure of vampires? Has it all been eclipsed by a love of haunting quasi-Asian eternal children singing into wooden animals?

By the way, her follow-up proved just as popular:



I'm only slightly relieved to report that this is a big improvement on her other, vastly popular, talent of staring creepily into the camera for thirty seconds.

Rapestock

I was watching Real Time on HBO and Bill Maher says that the sexual assault of Lara Logan is due to Muslim men's contempt for women. I don't know if it's primarily a Muslim thing, but it sounds like it's certainly a cultural thing. It sounds like Egypt hasn't built up the mores that make people ashamed of harassing a woman. But I have trouble using this episode to point my finger at backward Arab culture; something I normally love to do. For one thing, there are much better statistics to make the point. I have read astounding percentages of female genital mutilation in Egypt, from Christians and Muslims alike. But also, I remember the horrendous rapes at Woodstock '99. As in Egypt, it was a jubilant crowd of men and women, all crushed together. The difference in this case is that there were multiple rapes at Woodstock and nobody in the crowd tried to help. I remember Dexter Holland of the Offspring decrying all the molesting during there performance.  I suppose one could argue that all the rapists at Woodstock '99 were Muslim, but then one would be a fucking moron. Also, there are numerous reports of women being gang-raped in the American armed forces.

It does sound like Egyptian society has a great deal of contempt for women as sexual beings; more so than in America. But where ever a woman is enveloped by a group of macho men they seem to have a good shot of being raped. This point is also illustrated in the movie Jack's Living Dead Girl. It is a movie I helped make, and, while it is not exactly a celebration of womanhood, it comes down firmly on the side of anti-rape.

Rolling Stone Gathers Dross

I get on my computer a few minutes ago and I find this charming story: Justin Beiber Answers Questions, Get's Shit on For Doing So. I've seen Justin Beiber on Conan O'Brian and Jimmy Kimmel and he is painfully uninteresting to talk to, as are most kids. So instead of just not interviewing a 16-year-old kid with nothing to say, Rolling Stone asks him about politics. Justin Beiber answered the questions. The result was groundshakingly unrevealing: Justin Beiber doesn't think about many things. For doing Rolling Stone the service of answering their questions, some grown-ups at MSNBC, who show slightly less maturity in covering politics than Justin Beiber, proceed to censure him for this favor.

They first take a ripe ol' dump on this reply: "I'm not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." The MSNBC people no doubt laughed uproariously at this response and then contemptuously ran to their keyboards. "What a stupid answer? How stupid could one child be?" Reading the response, I'm having trouble figuring out what is so dumb about this answer. It mirrors my feelings exactly. I, also, am not sure about the parties. MSNBC demands that people belong to one party or the other so they can report black-and-white, unnuanced, bullshit, poll-driven news but, unfortunately, actual people in the real world have complex emotions. Also, some people have better things to do than watch Chuck Todd masturbate on the White House lawn, thinking about election season coming around again. Also, it's clear Mr. Beiber means North Korea, and it is the opinion of the majority of American and Canadian citizens that it is bad. The author apparently thinks their are merits to the North Korean slave-kingdom. Who is writing this, Ramsey Clark?

 The author of the piece has heroically chosen to be anonymous as it mocks a foreign child for being ignorant about American politics. But I'm almost positive that, if anybody gave two shits about it's untalented kid, the response would be equally ignorant.

Justin Beiber answers the abortion question with the ignorant "baby-killing" trope, proving that anti-choice understanding of abortion is junior-high level idiocy. Beiber is probably just parroting the opinions of his parents. That's what I did as a kid.

They then asked him about rape (WTF?) and he answered as if he had never thought about it before in his life. The author of the piece has it's kids think about little else but rape, as do most parents. Beibers parents have dropped the ball on giving their kid a well-thought out response to the rape question.

I don't know what people were supposed to get out of Rolling Stone asking a standard dumb kid about American politics, but it appears that some people got the satisfaction of feeling smarter than a child. I congratulate them on their acheivement.

If you want to feel smarter than an adult you should watch Jack's Living Dead Girl.

A National Hero, Shamed (?)

Like everyone else I was appalled that widely renown journalist, Nir Rosen, seemed happy Lara Logan was sexually assaulted. I get all my news from peoples tweets and consider it the richest source of journalism extant today. I also consider it a record of peoples immutable feelings and not in any way different than a published piece. I certainly don't consider tweets impulsive in any manner. I think the general tweet is pored over relentlessly before it's entered for all to see. I think this because the grammar and spelling is usually flawless. And if I'm wrong may the lord damn my eyes.

Also, like everyone, I was astonished that someone so well-respected and widely-read could write something so heinous. Then, of course, I realized that I have no fucking idea who Nir Rosen is. I'm pretty sure his rape-celebration IS his most widely-read piece. So, the guy is not exactly Bob Woodward. This appears to be the first time the majority of people have ever heard of him. I'm not exactly sure why he is inducing such strong feelings in people. It's not like he betrayed our trust. Nobody knows who he is! It's not that much different than if my old American Government professor from Wayne State College tweeted "Take that, Logan!"

But, that being said, me and my colleagues on the movie Jack's Living Dead Girl are huge supporters of the revenge-killing of rapists. That's why we made a movie about it. So watch it, and forget about Nir Rosen.

Old Man Rivers

Here is a kind of amazing article about "genius" child pornographer Larry Rivers. I'm not really a fan of the art world, personally. The article shows the cult of personality that can develope around a person, to the point that, if they shit in a shoe and sprinkle leaves on it it's considered "provocative" "art." It doesn't take any noticeable talent to be considered an artist, which is one reason I could care less that they starve.

My brother and I went to an art museum in Omaha, Nebraska (I think) and saw a drawing of a Minotaur by Picasso and were outraged. I can't find a picture of it online but it wasn't too different from this:



I hope I'm not shocking anybody by declaring this not good. I have seen parents disappointed in better drawings than this when handed to them by their children.

I know, I know, I just don't understand it. The shittier the artwork, the more "misunderstood" the artist. I think what I understand least is how I'm not also considered an artist. Because I am terrible at drawing. I seem to be right up the art world's alley. I can't draw, I can't paint, I can't sculpt anything remotely recognizable. I'm practically a visionary of modern art, how am I not renowned?

People seem to be celebrated for something literally anybody could do. I have yet to meet a person who isn't capable of pissing in a jar and dropping a crucifix in it.. I tend to feel the same way about most photographers. Do you see many pictures you think you couldn't have taken? I don't. If you're not in harm's way, you're not a good photographer. At the same art museam I saw a color photo of an old naked man on a swing. What are the odd's that, with the same ingredients (for whatever reason), you couldn't have come up with the same picture. I'd say the odd's are low. But would anybody want your picture of naked-swing-man. Nope. You're not a photographer.

And if you made lewd videos of your children that cause them years of psychological damage you would be considered a pervert by everyone. But let Larry Rivers do it and it's "art" because everything an "artist" decides to do is "art." Larry was just breaking taboos with his subversive art. You know what else is taboo? Having sex with your adolescent daughters. It is rightly condemned when done by the neighborhood physician but if Larry Rivers did it to "push the envelope" and because he was "curious" as an "artist" it would be considered the "misguided" art of a "provocative" "genius." I guess this is what happens when you have absolutely no standards to meet. The one standard I thought we could all agree on is "don't terrorize your children." As a society we seem to have come to this understanding. But in the Polanski-besotted art world child-rape and child-terror just makes you a rebel.

Sunday Roundup

Charles "Dorian" Krauthammer expresses his thoughts on the resignation of Hosni Mubarak:



Boy, he's right on the money. No wonder they gave this guy the Pulitzer.

Fr/anne

I've just learned that Fran Lebowitz is not Annie Leibovitz. This is tremendously helpful to know. And it clears up some of the confusion I've had over the horror and disgust Fran expressed when I asked her to photograph me splayed on a bear-skin rug.

Splink M.D.

I've always said athletes are so stupid their brains must hurt when they read and Time magazine is now telling me I'm right.  To wit:

"It's easy enough to make the case that any person who has suffered a brain injury needs a long period of recuperation before returning to vigorous physical activity. But what about vigorous intellectual activity? The brain is a cognitive machine, and it requires an enormous amount of energy to keep its gears moving. That's a fact concussed kids often confront when they resume their classwork after an injury and find that their symptoms return the moment they crack a book. "Cognitive exertion requires a high degree of metabolic activity," says Gioia. "If you have a brain that's already impaired, that ability is going to be reduced."

I think this means I've graduated from movies, to journalism, to neuroscience!

A-ha!

While Sarah Palin is currently very much pro-cookie and anti-health advice there was a time when she had the following words to say: "Alaska would be hard to give up because it is such a part of who I am. So much of my life revolves around the great outdoors that that would be kind of tough," Palin said. "But on the other hand, I think of being in D.C. and in a position to promote physical fitness and the benefits of making good decisions health-wise and being an example to others, and I know that could do some good for our country."

She said this in a long interview with Runner's World magazine but you would have to be out of your fucking gourd to want to read a long interview about running so I suggest you read the final paragraph here.

I'm sure the reason she changed her mind is completely virtuous and not at all cynical and petty, but I would like to hear what it is nonetheless.

Assuming I'm the first person to uncover this gem (which I am content to do without any proof), I believe this means I have graduated from movies to journalism. The future seems so bright from here!

Gwyneth Paltrow?

A while ago I encountered a bizarre and petulant article written in 1999 by Michelle Goldberg in which she shits all over Gwyneth Paltrow for being pretty and successful. Apparently this cattiness among writers has been simmering in the general populace and is now boiling over because I have encountered two more articles informing me that the world as whole, spends most of it's time thinking hate-filled thoughts about Gwyneth Paltrow. (Here and here). I find it hard to believe that so many people hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I find it hard to believe people have intense feelings about her one way or the other. As reasons why people hate Gwyneth Paltrow, Buzzfeed lists "7 pretentious quotes." The odds of the general populous having encountered any one of those quotes is slim. It seems much more likely that anyone who does hate Gwyneth Paltrow hates her because so many fat and ugly writers write about how much they hate her. If somebody even knows enough about Gwyneth Paltrow to hate her, I hate them. Who are these people wasting their life researching Gwyneth Paltrow? And forming opinions about her as a person? Am I the only one who watched Shallow Hal, laughed, and moved on? People don't hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Bratty journalists might  hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't think she has ever even come up in a conversation I've had. If your conversations include strong feelings about someone as innocuous as Gwyneth Paltrow, you have a deep hole in your life that is being filled with horseshit. As a general rule, people who spend there free time caring about what celebrities do are empty and pathetic people and their opinions don't matter to any right-thinking person. If you meet somebody who says "I fucking hate Rene Russo" you should never speak to that person again. This person cares much too deeply about things that don't matter.

Say what?

Another curious keyword search lead someone onto this blog. Someone, apparently, was interested in finding some "splink bushn." What might be even scarier is that Google asks "did you mean spline bushing." How is that a reasonable suggestion? Spline bushing?

Anyway, may the quest for copious amounts of splink bushn be frutiful. And stay away from the spline bushing. That shit will fuck you up.

Um, Sir?

Conservative theocrat Don Feder appears to have a strange fetish; a visual so nice he uses it twice: Nathan Lane in a burka.

" He’s also speaking at the Log Cabin Republicans (GOProud is an offshoot) National Convention, which opens on April 28, putting him in danger of being mistaken for Nathan Lane’s older brother in a burka." (Huh?)

" In 2006, Al-Arian pleaded guilty (to) ‘conspiracy to make or receive contributions of funds to or for the benefit of the Palestinian Islamic Jihad.’” – which makes Hamas look like Nathan Lane in a burka."

What's with this guy and putting Nathan Lane in a burka? Is this a visual he wrestles with most the day? It seems likely. He can't stop talking about gays. There are only two kinds of people who spend most the day thinking about gay people: normal gay people, and gay people who wish they weren't gay. Don Feder is most likely the latter. He makes Nathan Lane in a burka look like Bruno in a niqab.

Behead those who call Islam violent

From Times of India: " Facing death threats from extremist elements, senior Pakistan People's Party leader Sherry Rehman has withdrawn from Parliament a bill aimed at amending the controversial blasphemy law through elimination of the mandatory capital punishment under it.

 

"No Muslim would expect not to protect the Holy Prophet's name, and no Pakistani would ever suggest anything other than that," she said. "

 

Personally, I pity people who will never experience the joy of mocking Islam.

 

Here's a joke I heard: Arab scientists have invented a time-traveling device that can transport an entire country back to the 7th century. They're calling it "Islam."

 

Oh, what fun!

Buzkashi

Hey, if anyone has a dead goat lying around, here's something to do:

Rogue's Gallery: Patrick Hager

Take a look at this tear-stained letter some guy wrote to Time:

"As the father of an adult son living with epilepsy, I am disappointed in Klein's unfortunate word choice in comparing the stridency of cable-TV news to an "epileptic seizure." I look to TIME to bring clarity and thoughtfulness to news, not to contribute to the stigmatization of such a misunderstood and underfunded disorder. Perhaps Klein can take this opportunity to report on the lack of coherent national policy relating to epilepsy, which affects the daily lives of millions of Americans."

Patrick Hager, ST. PAUL, MINN.

Firstly, who looks to Time for clarity and thoughtfulness? It comes free to my place so I read it every week. I rarely come away thinking, "Now every thing is clear thanks to that insightful article!" I usually come away thinking, "How do they manage to relate everything to the next election cycle?"

Secondly, is Patrick Hager really so fatuous as to not recognize a simile? Joe Klein didn't say epilepsy caused the stridency in cable-TV news. In fact, reading the article again, it doesn't seem to me that he mentioned stridency at all. He was referring to the overreaction, on cable news, to every single event, causing them to shake and quiver as if they had epilepsy. At least that's what I took away. To be honest, the line doesn't even make that much sense. Such vague lines are perfect for oversensitive people just waiting for the next oppurtunity to whine. This guy is like the Al Sharpton of epilepsy.

"Contribut[ing] to the stigmatization of such a misunderstood and underfunded disorder." As misunderstood as it may be, nobody on earth thinks epilepsy leads to cable news anchor symptoms. Nobody watches cable news and says "Thanks a lot epilepsy!"

Imagine if an earthquake shook apart my building and I was interviewed on CNN. They ask me "What happened to your building" and I said, "Well, it just started shaking itself apart, like it was having an epileptic seizure." And out there in St. Paul, Minnesota is Patrick Hager, ever vigilant, already howling at the TV before I've even finished my sentence. "He is contributing to the widespread myth that epilepsy causes earthquakes," he shouts. "The injustice! I won't stand for it!"

This is the kind of idiocy that goes by the name of "advocacy." It is practiced by people like Al Sharpton and Bill Donohue. And for some reason cable news loves it. These people can always find a forum to whine about a non-issue. Whining is big business these days.

Legitimate whining happens every now and then. It bubbles up a little bit and quickly dissipates. But loud, hysterical whining about something as insignificant as Don Imus can stay in the headlines for weeks. And that is thanks to people like Patrick Hager. A constant victim, ever-whining, about nothing.

Downs Syndrome

I was watching the Becky Babcock story on the E!!! program Kids of Killers and I have to say, I'm not buying it. Becky is the daughter of Diane Downs who shot three of her children and immediately conceived another one. The "one" was Becky Babcock who was put up for adoption. She ended up finding out there was a book about her moms crimes called Small Sacrifices. She didn't read it, but she saw a picture of her mom's hands and discovered to her horror that (make sure your sitting) THEY HAVE THE SAME HANDS! Yep, identical hands. This realization set her off on a spree of meth-fueled sex. I have to remind you that she does not, at any time, know her mothers crimes. This is all motivated by hand similarity. If they both had hooks for hands it wouldn't make this any less stupid. Unfortunately for the universe, she sought help at the only place more fucked up than the arms of Diane Downs: a Christ-based treatment facility. These places have a tendency to churn out Glenn Becks and George Bushes. She wants to be an obgyn now, and a Christ-based obgyn sounds too much like someone who works at a crisis pregnancy center. It's too early to tell, but I'm thinking Downs should have shot this kid as well.

Dog Day Afternooner

There is an article in Time about all the dog memoirs that are out or are coming out. Listen to some of these titles and tell me they don't all sound like some sick dog-on-person romance novels: You Had Me at Woof,  Marley Looks for Love, What a Difference a Dog Makes, Oogy: The Dog only a Family Could Love, Bad Dog: A Love Story, Finding Harmony: The Dog That Taught a Young Woman to Live Again* (My personal favorite).

Then there is perhaps the most explicit: Inside of a Dog.

Zoinks! Doesn't leave much to the imagination.

So that is the slate of books to quench your thirst for hardcore puppy love.



*Our movie, Jack's Living Dead Girl, is also about a young woman living again.

Oh, the humanity!

I stumbled across this character in the book Bright-Sided by Barabara Ehrenreich: "Buford P. Fuddwhacker is described  as "a down-home motivational speaker who brings the fervor and energy of a fired-up country preacher to the platform. When you unleash Buford on your audience, get ready for music, laughter, kazoos, karaoke, and outrageous audience participation." This has got to be a warning to never, under any circumstances, unleash Buford on your audience. A visit to his website confirms the wisdom of this advice.

Rarely a good sign, his website has a section explaing "What's so funny about Buford." I assume this question is asked frequently by people who have been the victim of a Buford unleashing.

Another line that sounds more like a warning than recommendation is this: "Everyone quickly discovers Buford's a wild eccentric with wacky inventions, and crazy stories about kinfolk and farm animals."

*Shudder* I'm almost positive I don't want to hear crazy stories about his kinfolk and farm animals.

And here is another heart-stopping line: "He catches people off-guard." Can you think of a more horrifying possibility than having Buford P. Fuddwacker jump out of you're bushes why your trying to unlock the door. Just think of what he did to those poor farm animals.

No, Buford should not be unleashed. I'm not sure he should even be uncaged.

ML not OK

According to Cecil Adams at Straight Dope Martin Luther King Jr. was also a plagiarist. And while Cecil Adams has been accused of not existing, he has never been accused of plagiarizing. So I trust him. Also bear in mind this pseudo-mans astute words about MLK: "Was he a great American? No argument here. Was he a fraud and a hypocrite? He was that, too."

Also, don't research Martin Luther King Jr.'s flaws at martinlutherking.org because it is run by Stormfront, a white supremacist web site. Although, I'm sure they have meticulously studied his flaws, there is something about a neo-Nazi website that just makes me assume they're biased against facts and reality.

MLK Jr.'s Ebony column

In my continuing quest to find the worst in everybody I decided to dive into Martin Luther King Jr.'s two year long column in Ebony magazine. The column was called Advice for Living and it is fucking dreadful. It is a lot of God-blather and florid nonsense. I suggest everyone read it here. The Martin Luther King Jr. Papers Project has all the information you could want. MLK can write about race relations but anything else of a personal nature and he's about as good as any other revoltingly pious person. He condemns Rock & Roll and gambling. He says a women's primary obligation is birth. He makes a lot of upright noises about marital fidelity while fucking everyone but his wife. Just awful stuff. I'm glad I found it! Remember people: There are no heroes!

Kidney Stone

People, the quicker you watch our vampirella farce and it starts making lot's of money, the sooner I can consume the $10,000 Martini on a Rock at the Algonquin Hotel. I would like nothing more than to end this life with a diamond lodged in my throat.

Much less popular is our local Motel 6's Martini on some Rocks, which is a martini poured over some gravel from the parking lot.

I have not what you seek

Most of my traffic now seems to come through variously-punctuated google searches of the phrase "It's like a crime-scene in my pants." Assuming (and hoping) it's the same person every time, I have to admire your diligence. I'm not really sure what you are after, I provided a link to the phrase's use in the movie No Strings Attached in this link. If you're just looking for a general discussion of the line's merits I don't think your going to find that here. I'm kind of surprised you keep clicking on the link to my blog only to be disappointed again and again. Keep up the good fight, though. It's your life.

Evidentally

There are lot's of papers using the term "preliminary evidence." What is preliminary evidence? Doesn't that mean "evidence in preperation for evidence?" Does that make any sense? It's either evidence or it's not. Preliminary to what? Can something just be preliminary in general? Surely it has to be preliminary to something. What set me off was this person quoted  in Bright-Sided. The person says their paper provides preliminary evidence that happy people are healthier than less happy people. I assume she means the evidence is preliminary to future studies. But wouldn't all evidence be preliminary to future studies. This term has no meaning does it? I think I'm on to something. Or stupid. I can rarely tell the difference.

Fantastic Math

A genius steps forward:



To make it clear, he's saying 4-1= Not 4.

I'll have to double check but I'm pretty sure he's right.

Sourpuss

I was reading Bright-Sided by Barbara Ehrenreich and she says: [T]here are scores of studies showing that happy or optimistic people are likely to be healthier than those who are sour tempered and pessimistic. This got me to thinking, why can you be happy OR optimistic to be healthy while you have to be sour-tempered AND pessimistic to be not as healthy. What if you are really sour-tempered and optimistic? Or happy and pessimistic? What if the thought of everything turning out alright pisses you off? Or everything falling apart fills you with glee? And what about all the miserable assholes who live forever? What is their secret? What if grumpy people depress you but happy people depress you more? Have you ever met a happy person? They are insufferable!

As you can see, one half of a sentence can have me thinking for hours. That's why I've been reading this book for three years.

Great moments in throat pain

In regards to screaming and the long-running argument on how to do it I have found a clip of Eddie Vedder trying to heave his own vocal chords out of his throat. The point to take away from it is, I find it a lot more exciting, not to watch a person scream effortlessly, but to watch a person scream so violently he shits his pants.

Get help

I don't want to seem ungrateful but someone found my blog by typing this into Google: "its like a crime scene in my pants!!:))ha"

As you can see, the phrase is followed by two exclamation points, a colon, two leftward-facing parentheses and the word "ha." What could you possibly have been expecting to find? Is this some sort of leet-speak? Who is the odd creature who wrote this? Are you in any way responsible for this:



For the record, I will reveal all keywords that led to this blog.

Our National Nightmare is Over!

The pig predator has been found! His name is Dallace Lee Hatley. I have to agree with Google on this. Do they mean Dallas? He is a man who is as dumb as his name. It turns out he didn't use a garden hoe. He actually had his dog attack them. I know I'm not the only one who remembers the sodomy bit. Who's been fucking these pigs? It better be this kid or you've got one fucked up community Bushnell.

The Plot Sickens

Some new details have come to light about the pig predator in Bushnell, Florida. It seems, aside from mutilating the pigs with the garden hoe the sadist also tried to sodomize one of the pigs with the handle. They said the perpetrator may have been motivated by hate for the school but I think this detail proves that the hate is actually for pigs. I can't imagine being so mad at a school that I rape the pig in the Agriculture lab. You have to bear a grudge against pigs to do that shit. As students of sexual violence know, rape is almost always motivated by hatred and a need to dominate the object of ones lust. I think the person is clearly repulsed by their own sexual attraction for the pigs and wanted to punish the pig for it's voluptuous thighs and full, pouty lips.

Also, it turns out the hoe was already at the scene of the crime and was not being casually carried around by the perp as I originally thought. This means there is nothing to give the perp away. Although if you see some guy masturbating angrily outside a Famous Dave's I think you've got your man.

Personal Complaint

I'm sorry folks, but I have to take some time away from my main topics of interest: pig-cults, chupacabras, and our movie to lay bare something that is causing me aggravation without end. That something happens to be a joke in the "No Strings Attached" trailer. Ashton Kutcher brings Natalie Portman a "period mix" tape and one of the songs is "I've Got the World on a String." When this is revealed the music in the trailer dramatically stops and Ashton Kutcher let's out his rib-tickling punchline: "That's the doozy."

What does that mean?  Why is that "the doozy?" This line doesn't make any sense!  How is he using the word "doozy?" What is it going to do to her? If anything the line is more ominous than funny.

It's clear he could have said anything there and they would have stopped the music hilariously: "That's the bombshell." "That's the blockbuster." "That's the humdinger." "That's the tuna fish sandwich." "That's the senator of Rhode Island." "That's a song I particularly like." "That song is referring to a tampon in the context in which I gave it to you." "That's a song that exists."

It doesn't matter what he means by it anyways. In all the possible ways you can interpret "That's the doozy" it is not funny. It certainly doesn't warrant music stoppage. And if you follow the link above it also closes the scene. You close a scene on a line that leaves them laughing. It is clear the ad people think "That's the doozy." is the funniest, cleverest line of the whole scene. "It's like a crime scene in my pants" is not even in the trailer. That's clearly the funniest line of the scene. And it makes perfect sense.  But no, the trailer people were like "HA HA HA! The doozy! WHA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Imagine if I gave you a CD of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers greatest hits and you started reading the titles. "American Girl, Don't Come Around Here No More, The Waiting." Then your friend said "Free Fallin" and I said "That's the doozy." Things would carry on like I never said it, right? No one would linger on this phrase or collapse in laughter because it's not all that clear what I'm trying to convey. In any event, it's kind of a bland phrase. It's not like if I said "Boom shakalaka." That doesn't really make sense but at least it's quirky and lively.

So that's it folks. Every time they play it on TV I yell "Why is that funny?! WHAT DOES IT EVEN MEAN?!" And people knock on my door and go "Sir, with the yelling, can you stop?" And I go, "I'm sorry, it's that damn Ashton Kutcher trailer. Why is that the doozy?" And they go "Well, it's a good song and the title is particularly apt for menstruation." And I say "Yeah, but the line get's star treatment in the trailer and it is a very generic line." And they say "Look, just shut the fuck up alright?"

I only hope it's reign of terror ends soon.

Be Warned!

There is a pig predator loose in Bushnell, Florida (yes, that Bushnell, Florida). He is armed only with a garden hoe and dark intentions. As a pig-cult leader I fear that my minions in the greater Bushnell area may be in grave danger. I am putting the cult on lock-down until this madman is caught. Until then, I leave these words of advice, my acolytes: If you see a guy strolling around town with a garden hoe, run! If he was a gardener he would be in a garden. He's no gardener! He means to rough up pigs and all who love them!

Godspeed, brothers.

Goat-sucker?

The hairless raccoon incident in Kentucky makes clear that any bald, ugly creature that a person sees is immediately branded a chupacabra regardless of whether it has goat-sucked. This being the case, I'd like to nominate a new possible chupacabra.

A bald, ugly, bloodthirsty creature was recently discovered in Arizona and it raises an interesting possibility. Could Jared Loughner be a chupacabra?



Scientists will have to do blood tests to decide what he is. He may just be a coyote with mange.

The deep pig-squeal roots

I just remembered that I used to listen heavily to a very early practitioner of the pig-squeal when I was in middle-school:



Obviously they aren't a "pig-squeal band" because they did it once ( in an appropriately named song called "Pig") then called it a night. But who can deny that they were one of the fathers of this flourishing genre. And digging into my memory I think I've discovered the grandaddy of them all:



Yes, Weird Al's "Let me be your hog." The long-forgotten progenitor of Deathcore pig-squealing. My work here is done.

Philosophy of Screaming

OK, much to my dismay, it turns out the fad of pig-squealing is not due to porcine love but to a love of mediocre music:



Sounds like a bunch of guy's struggling to clear there throats, don't it?

The tendency for these phlegmy voiced guys to squeak has led to a really hilarious question on the internet: Is pig squealing ruining the respectability of abrasive vocals?

If your scene can be toppled by pig-squealing it's probably best to let it go.

Even better is this Facebook page: Job for a Cowboy ruined pig squealing. That's right! They ruined it! Pig squealing! These are some pig-squealing purists. Can you imagine the righteous conversations? "People used to squeal like pigs for the love of it, but now it's all corporate!"

There is also a ferocious debate about how to scream. If you are like me you are probably thinking "Can't I just scream?" Not according to this guy screaming into a banana:



Sorry James Brown, you didn't do it right. Burn in hell!

Apparently there are two competing schools of screaming. There is Exhale Screaming also known as Screaming:



And then there is Inhale Screaming also known as Some Other Irritating Noise:



And there is also whatever the fuck is going on here:




They all seem to rely on sounding like a bog-monster.

I thought I was in the Exhale camp at first because that's really the only way one can scream, but after listening to the tutorials I realize I have no stake in this whatsoever because it all sounds like shit to me.

 I can say with confidence, however,  that I am firmly in this guys camp:



I personally think the screaming shouldn't sound so uniform. They all sound alike. There is no passion in it. Plus it's so distorted, it's like listening to a robot.

Listen to Dave Grohl do it:



Wasn't that exciting?

So, the philosophy of screaming goes on.

Yummy?

OK, the cult's dinner just arrived:



Prepare the oven, boys!

What's this?

An angel doth appear?



I was thinking she would make a perfect pig-cult spokewoman but it turns out she has already been in a pig cult and found it unpleasant.



I know, she wants it to die down but also wants sole credit for it. That kind of irrationality is cult material. It's a shame she has been disillusioned.

But hark! What is that I hear in the distance?















A lovely chorus of women squealing like pigs!

By the way, is this a new fetish? What the fuck is going on? I don't know, but it's pigtastic!

Great News!

I checked my stats and someone out there found my blog with the keywords "pig worship cult." I knew their was an audience. Don't be shy, we need all the members we can get. Drop on by our temple. You will be greeted by this guy:



I know, he doesn't really sound like a pig, but it's the passion that we admire here.

Meet Wayne

I thought I would give some information about the lovely little town where we filmed our movie. Wayne, Nebraska is home to Wayne State College and also The Coffee Shoppe where we filmed all our coffee shop scenes. Wayne has a lot of things that residents are familiar with but to the world at large, Wayne is probably best known for Roger Van, the town florist. Mr. Van is not known because of his floral arrangements, as great as they no doubt were, but mostly for his talent at piercing another man's scrotum. You see, Roger Van sexually tortured a man in the flower shop dungeon.

Jonathan Gregory Cooper, a Houston man, got in touch with Van over the internet and they hashed out a plan where Van would be his "master" and there would be "no limits" to what he could do. Cooper also, in one of those moments that make you slap yourself on the forehead later, said he may want and try to escape but Van should not let him. Van, being the trusting fellow that he is, took Cooper at his word and, in my opinion, lived up to his end of the bargain swimmingly. Cooper, on the other hand, eventually got tired of the floggings, clothespins, hot wax, shavings, beatings, anal penetrations, and scrotum injections. Not surprisingly he had trouble convincing Jerry Marshall ( another "master" at the flower shop) that despite getting exactly what he asked for, to the letter, he was being held against his will. It appears nobody could tell who was just playing their role and who was serious. I find it all tremendously amusing, but that may be because some profound part of my humanity has withered and died. Dead or not, funny is funny!

In what had to have been the most entertaining conversation ever, Cooper finally convinced Marshall to help him escape after which he turned them both in. It's just hard to please some people.

This whole episode had to include, at one point, the following occurence: Roger Van gives flowers to somebody so they can give them to their loved one to express there devotion, and then goes into his sex dungeon to inject saline into a frightened man's ballsack. Romance is so versatile.

So, anyway, that's Wayne, Nebraska. Home of Wayne State College, Chicken Days, and of course, sexual torture.

Meeting Minutes

We went ahead and  just recorded this weeks cult meeting:

For your viewing pleasure!

I just got back from a very productive meeting with some of my old pals from Jack's Living Dead Girl and we conducted some incredibly intense research on the best way to view the movie. It turns out the movie is most enjoyable on drugs. The movie is a delight on pot, and is a pleasure on cocaine but we find that the movie is most enjoyable when you've reached the state Helen Hunt is in:

I'm Invincible! from Mrs. Moe on Vimeo.

Another satisfied customer!

Bacon Bits

It seems that in Singapore the consumption of pork has, in the past, led to a mass fear of penis retraction. This interests me for two very personal reasons. One being my own intense fear that my penis is retracting into my body. The other being my pork-consuming cult.  If my members start believing that all the pork we're eating is harming their hog they may all leave. But I can reassure them in two ways.

First, the Singaporeans were not experiencing widespread shrinkage. It was some kind of Asian cultural disorder called 'koro.' Since the only culturally Asian thing about this cult is the break-room used panty vending machine I think we're safe from this disorder.

Second, while the illusion that your penis is shrinking may seem very convincing I can assure you from personal experience that it is just that: an illusion. What is actually happening is that the surrounding area is getting fatter, engulfing your penis. We are a pork-engorged people and we will see our fair share of fat-engulfed penises, so fair warning. But this is not penis retraction or koro. It's just getting fat off pork and it is glorious.

Dutch Lovin'

Having started my own pig-based cult I naturally assume having sex with a pig is somewhere in the future. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across Bodil Joensen. Her nickname was apparently "the boar girl" and she has certainly earned the nickname, because her expertise on fucking pigs is unparalleled. I don't know if she caught her own boars in the wild and lovingly seduced them or if she was working with a domesticated variety. I plan on getting domestic pigs. I don't want to go through a long courting process. She sounds like a perfect mentor for a pig-worshiping cult but, alas, she drank herself to death. There was something about her life that was apparently askew, although I don't know what it could be. Who wouldn't love to live on a farm where after you milk the cow, the cow milks you back. Fortunately for PETA (People for the Erotic Treatment of Animals) the Wikipedia page has a link to a bestiality site where I can connect with all sorts of pig-fuckers.  Wikipedia comes through again! Not only can these swine-sucking so-and-so's show us the ropes but they seem like a natural fit as members of a pig cult. It's a perfect networking opportunity. To my way of thinking, if you're going to fuck a pig, you might as well worship it, and vice-versa.

Big hunk of words

Look at this gargantuan sentence:  In fact, the fight has just begun and we urge everyone who concerned about the fair treatment of non-believing military personnel and the unfettered right for a soldier in the United States Armed Forces to hold absolutley no belief in anything even remotely supernatural without fear of discrimination or retribution of any kind to follow this story with great interest by visiting and supporting in any way you can the following organizations who are working tirelessly for the equal rights of the men and women who put their lives on the line every day to protect the sanctity of our uniquely secular Constitution, which upholds that there shall be no religious test required to hold any office within the United States Government, and that includes wearing the uniform of any of our Armed Services.

This was written by a guy named Al Stefanelli and it is a big fucking sentence. If you try to read it aloud without taking a breath, you will die, there is no getting around it. This is a mountainous sentence.

Believe it or not, that's not the whole article. The rest can be found here.

Oingo

OK, I'm back. There is quite a lacuna between my last post and this one but that's because I have been very busy building a cult around the lyrics in this song:



Just ask if you want information on the cult and it's ancient mystic beliefs. We also have various rituals that I can summarize if you want. I'm not gonna lie, it mostly consists of consuming lot's of pork. But, like any cult, the tenets are subject to dramatic change without any notice whatsoever. That's the thrill of cult life.

The idea for the cult is based ever so slightly on the fact that the other religions have rejected pork in such a dramatic manner. It makes sense to pick up the pork-loving crumbs in a new religion devoted to pork and ham. If things progress nicely, I see coitus with a pig becoming a centerpiece for our worship. If enough people leave that will be subject to revision but as of now, I consider it an eventual eternal, essential, unchangeable commandment.

Aside from pig-worship, the main impetus behing the cult was a marathon listening-session of the Ghostbusters II soundtrack. This is the best song on it, and was stuck in my head in such an intense fashion that I decided if a religion didn't develope around it soon, I would just kill myself. It was kind of a joke at first, but I soon found out it is really easy to start a  religion.

Some of the members wondered if we would incorporate other songs from the Ghostbusters II soundtrack. For instance, Elton John's Love is a Cannibal seemed like a logical choice. But it seems to me a legitimate danger that cannibalism could soon break out among the members if this song made it into the canon. Also Elton John is gay. I don't want it to become too much of a gay sex cult, which is also a legitimate fear since the only members are dudes. The singer for Oingo Boingo, on the other hand, is married to Bridget Fonda. You have to be careful how you pick your apostles. Every religion is a reflection of it's leaders unbridled id. My id is filled with Bridget Fonda. If you let in too many gays, the group becomes pretty guy-heavy and there are no wives to take advantage of. Ordering members to give there wives to me is somewhat of a goal in this religion. So there will be limited gay membership. Sorry gays.

Someone also brought up the Bobby Browne song "We're Back" because it has a messianic flavor to it. I don't think I have to go into the many problems involved in allowing Bobby Browne to influence my religion. I would say, roughly, about a week into his being sainted, the group would be centered exclusively around cocaine. I want to be the most important thing in the group and if we let coke into the worship it will definately take first place. Also, I'm trying to keep all my saints white, because I'm white. In religions, you worship someone who is basically you. That's why Jesus became white. He is an empty vessel unto which all manner of personal beliefs can be attributed. That would be a lot harder to do if he was swarthy in all his pictures. How can Jesus be me if he's brown? I'm not brown? The same thing goes with Browne. I can't be Browne because he's brown. Also, black people make most of my group nervous, because they are exclusively white. We think all black people hate us, and we're scared of them. So, as is the case with lots' of new religions, we are going to be fairly discriminatory towards black people. We are going to look to early American Christianity to see how we can do this and still appear respectable.

If we ever grow into a legitimate religion, we will, of course, have to start letting in black members. At that point we will get our first black saint but it won't be Bobby Browne. Oh no. It will have to be Boss Nigger. I can't wait!