American Atheists

I signed up for the American Atheist newsletter years ago so I could laugh at crazy shit Christians did but I am getting minute updates on billboards now. Am I the only one who finds billboards the absolute, most boring topic in the world? I know, I'm asking people who dedicate blogs to there kids as if THEY are interesting, but as humans, we have to draw a line somewhere, right?

By the way, about your kids......that's enough. Every time I hit Next Blog it is another excessive brood. Are people really still going for four kids? It's not like we live in the jungle anymore, people, two is enough. I know you think your genes are great but....they're really not. If they were so great we wouldn't have to learn about them in a blog.

Some blogs are just dedicated to one kid. What is this shit? How great could he be? Most calves can walk the minute they hit ground, can your kid do that? If not, then he is nothing special. Stop writing about him. Get a baby book. That's what my mom did. And nobody looks at it. Because I'm not interesting. I'm not even interesting to my family, can you imagine if I had a blog dedicated to me? Holy shit, we are talking billboard-boring. And I'm not exceptionally boring, I'm just regular person boring. Like your kid. I did happen to help make a movie though, so having buttered you up so much, I think it's only fair that you watch it.

Governor Overseer

Governor Haley Barbour praises the racist Citizens Councils? I know one man who wouldn't stand for that.

Undersecretary Cracker

Wait, I thought it was Boss Nigger?

Think about it

60,096 views on youtube:



60,572 views on youtube:



134,892 views on youtube:



7, 445 views on youtube:



Is this why you people don't have time to view Jack's Living Dead Girl? Would it help if we just looped every line for 10 minutes?

I hope you people hate yourselves as much as I hate you. And as much as Boss Nigger hates you.

Bullet Dodged!

We were totally going to call our movie "The Legend of Nigger Charlie" but decided not to. Boy, it's a good thing we didn't:



It's already a great movie!

Who says vampires don't have soul?

We didn't even try to approach the greatness of this movie:



I mean, there is ambition and then there is delusion.

We did, however, try to approach the greatness of this movie:



Whether we did or not, is not for me to say. Some have said Jack's Living Dead Girl is "Boss Nigger-esque." Who's to say who's right? Opinions will differ.

Vs.

In discussions about who would win in a fight between Buffy Summers and Abraham Van Helsing one might be tempted to weigh the various qualities of each: Buffy Summers has superhuman strength, Van Helsing may be more clever. Buffy is more emotionally immature, Van Helsing a bit more ruthless, perhaps. In order to be precise you may dig into the psychology of the characters, such as Buffy's usual unwillingness to kill a living person. You could agonize over all sorts of things to best arrive at the most accurate conclusion. I think this is a lot of needless work and misses a larger and more salient point: Van Helsing is now dead. Buffy wins hands down.




Winner!

  

                                                        



Loser!



 

Muse

Hey folks, how are you doing? Yeah,enough about you, let's get down to the movie. I thought it might be interesting to show where we got most of our inspiration for Jack's Living Dead Girl. Obviously, in order to write a decent vampire movie, you have familiarize yourself with some of the vampire shows that did it the best. It is widely agreed that nobody has yet to surpass the bar set by Deafula:



I know it's cliche, but yes, he was our main source of inspiration too. While Deafula is the basis for most of Jack's Living Dead Girl's atmospherics (as well as the inspiration for not being able to hear big chunks of dialogue) when it comes to straight up gruesome horror, we went to the master:



The part in Jack's Living Dead Girl where Cassie is raped is taken directly from Count Duckula, although we toned it down a bit. We didn't want the similarities to be too obvious, and besides, no one was willing to portray the violent rape that is depicted in Count Duckula.

Anyway, those are the main sources of inspiration for our movie. Hopefully we didn't rip them off too badly. If so, I'll be waiting for my braille cease and desist notice. Deaf people read braille, right? I'm pretty sure that's correct.

Chupacadabra!

Somewhat related to the bloodsucker phenomenon is the goatsucker phenomenon:



I once thought I saw the chupacabra near my mailbox but after shooting it six times I realized it was the mailman. I now think, perhaps I immediately jumped to a fairly drastic conclusion. I know my lawyer sure thinks I did.

That reminds me, Mr. Ladonski twitched his finger for the first time in 10 years about a month ago. Walking again can't be too far away. If I was allowed to go near him ever again I would congratulate him. I'm hoping once he starts walking again the mail bombs will stop coming to my house.

Hello Opportunity

In Michelle Goldeberg's article Sex Slave Outrage she informs us of the troubles http://www.backpage.com/ is involved in. The Rebecca Project for Human Rights is running an ad trying to get Backpage to stop letting pimps sell little girls to pedophiles. The ad states:  "Do you really want to provide a platform for predators who pay for sex with girls?” If they have any decency, they do not.

I, on the other hand, would love too! I'm willing to let pimps and perverts of all sorts peddle their wares on my blog if they will watch the movie Jack's Living Dead Girl. It's a win/win. It's largely known that unrepentant child traffickers and creepy pedophiles are an untapped constituency and I want in. They just might bump up the pageviews of this blog to such an extent that it becomes a Blog of Note, and then there is no telling just how many arts & crafts lovers might view our movie. That's called a business strategy!

Warning: The following video is the equivalence of two tabs of acid

As the steward of this blog I watched all 10:02 seconds of this video. Around minute 8:00 I started hallucinating.




 I also noticed that this video of John Pertwee saying "Splink!" for ten minutes has about as many views on youtube as the movie Jack's Living Dead Girl which I helped make. This fact makes me hate every breathing thing populating the earth. Yes, even the loris...Especially the loris!

If you just watched that video, I will remind you that Jack's Living Dead Girl is available on this blog in it's splendiferous entirety. And it's a good way to wash the John Pertwee out of your mouth. It's too late for me, his cries of  "Splink" will haunt me long into the future, but there is still a chance for you. Just click on the post entitled "Watch the fucking movie" and act accordingly.

Splink Hop

It turns out Splink is also the name of a song that was #1 in Britain, and briefly the national anthem. It was one of John Pertwee's better collaborations with the Sugar Hill Gang. You can recognize in this song, the influence it would later have on A Tribe Called Quest.

By Jove, a nugget of splink!

Hey folks. It's me again. I've turned up another usage of splink. It turns out it's also a word that Dr. Who used to shout at kids at on the sidewalk  in order to terrify them into crossing the road safely:



It's also a good idea to keep an eye out for Jon Pertwee when you're crossing the street. If you see him across the street, stay where you are. If he's on the same sidewalk as you, splink be damned, you haul ass across that street. If anything, the fact that Jon Pertwee is dead make this advice all the more compelling.

Another layer of splink uncovered

Over at http://www.urbandictionary.com%20the/ the number one definition for splink contains two very different meanings.

n: a square ball
 A square ball is a very rare thing to find, and if you've seen one you are part of a rarefied group.

More interesting is this definition:

n: a chinese father, who is very strict, and when poked, makes a strange high pitched sound

This is intriguing. Do they all make the same high-pitched sound, or various sounds of a high pitch? There are rarely any sources on Urban Dictionary, which is troublesome. There is even fewer attempts at etymology. And there is absolutely no attempt at entymology, although that I can kind of understand. Still...

I'm guessing that the -ink suffix comes from "chink" so I would be careful just blithesomely bandying it around a Chinese household that contains a strict, screeching father.

If this word is derived from "chink" it may somewhat taint this blog, although the title "have some splink" appears to be recommending them. In this way it is very pro-splink. And you can't be pro-splink without being pro-chink. So, I don't really see this meaning cropping up as a nuisance.

Unless the title is interpreted as "Have some splink for railroad labor" but that is quite a stretch because it has been years since we used mass Chinese labor to build things. Also we aren't building any railroads. So stop being so sensitive, you stupid cunt!

Request

Hey people, I have a request. Can you not have music on your blogs that automatically comes on. I had my headphones plugged into the computer and the music startled me so bad I actually suffered from aphasia for an hour. Thanks!

We are so meant for each other!

By peeking into http://suburbanvampire.blogspot.com/ I have noticed that there is a thriving vampire-based blog community out there. I, personally, am not a dedicated vampire fan, but I did help make a vampire movie, so we are basically natural allies. I like vampires a lot more than I do arts & crafts. And Jesus for that matter. So if people want vampires I have provided plenty of new fodder for their perusal. I can also provide this:



Truly frightening, and yet, seductive.

Thanks Ron!

Hey folks. Here is another video on your favorite (apparently) topic: Arts and crafts!

Mr. Ron On Rescue discusses the worry we all have: Being impaled by our knitting needles.



He's right, of course. If your socks can't wait until the end of a car ride to be knitted, something has gone wrong in the way you are apportioning your time.

You know a safe time to knit? While watching Jack's Living Dead Girl, all of which can be found on this blog! Happy knitting!

You People...

Having spent a considerable time tiptoeing through peoples blogs I'm arriving at the conclusion that most of you people crave information on pets, kids, arts & crafts, and Jesus. If so, our relationship will be a strained one. But, if that's the kind of shit you people like, I'm game. Here's a kid:



Here's a dog:



Arts & crafts:



And, of course, Christian philosophy:



I hope to build on our shared interests!

I'm providing a service!

I know you need a break from masturbating to porn for an hour or two, so why not watch the movie I helped make. It is like a refreshing glass of cold water on your abused member. You'll thank me later.

No sir!

I should point out that, although the background of this blog portrays a dandelion being blown, this blog in no way endorses blowing on dandelions because it just spreads more dandelions and they are a bitch to eradicate.

Your welcome!

The website http://d6family.com/splink/week/2010-12-12  says that their "Splink is a SIMPLE way to LINK your family together spiritually." I like to think this blog does the same thing.

Nolan!

I was watching Inception last night and I noticed some profound similarities between it and Living Dead Girl. The embedding has been disabled in all Inception youtube videos in order to make side by side comparison impossible and thus, cover Christopher Nolan's deep, deep shame.

But for example this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvDba2nMv_U bears a striking resemblance to this scene:



Don't think I'm not onto you, Nolan. STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS!

Just a reminder

There is a perfectly good movie just waiting to be watched. So...y'know....do it!

Part 14

Previously on Jacks Living Dead Girl:



And now, the thrilling conclusion to Jack's Living Dead Girl!

Part 13

If you like montages that don't entirely make sense, then have you just stumbled upon the right part of this movie. Our heroes are on the run again, and another body turns up. Interestingly, Russell is the first hermaphroditic character who's condition plays no part in the plot of the movie. The filmmakers like everyone to feel included. Except Shriners. The last time I encountered a guy in a fez hat and a tiny car I ended up bound and gagged on a boat headed for Lebanon....Anyway, here is Part 13 of Jack's Living Dead Girl!

Part 12

This part of the movie features some unintentional property damage that, at the time, was much more terrifying than this movie ever aspired to be. Luckily we all fled the scene and never had to deal with it. It also features a lot of improvisation and seems to be a favorite amongst the three's of people who have seen it who weren't involved in it. It is also remarkable because the actor playing Ted was sick with the Ebola virus when this was being shot and died shortly thereafter. Let's watch!

Part 11

I should add at this point that this movie is best viewed when high on all sorts of mind-altering drugs. It really brings out the truth that is no doubt buried in this multi-layered onion of a movie. The onion analogy extends not only to it's many layers but also to the fact that many people cry while watching it. So feel free to do that! Speaking of illegal drugs, the scene of Jack and Ted carrying Julia to their car is one of two scenes where the filmmakers were stopped by police! Are you tingling with excitement? Me too! Let's watch!

Part 10

This next part features the character that is fast becoming a film legend. He is referred to in hushed tones as the Gray Shambler, and I think he will be a particularly popular Halloween costume in the years to come. It also has the thrilling conclusion to Ted's Spiderman shirt. The cemetary scene was shot on Memorial Day in order to offend the maximum amount of mourners, and I think the goal was reached in a profound and exciting way. What are we waiting for?! Let's get watching!

Part 9

This next part has it all: shoddy sound, strange behavior, a hermaphrodite and usefull information about semen! All that, plus booze! Let's immerse ourselves in the avante-garde splendor that is Jack's Living Dead Girl Part 9!

Part 8

This is Living Dead Girl Part 8, now with more Jack and more Dead Girl! With Keith having died from an odd sort of heart attack that appears to have punctured his neck, Jack has to comfort his loverly. But wait, there is a vampirella abound! Is anybody safe? This also happens to feature my favorite "What the fuck are you doing" reading of all time! Let's see what the fuck he's doing in Jack's Living Dead Girl Part 8!

Part 7

The plot thickens, as does my penis as I watch this masterpiece of a movie. This next part features the introduction of a detective who is distinctly terrible at his job. It also features a bloody bathroom scene that has nothing to do with flushed tampons! Is there anything this movie doesn't have? Find the affirmative answer in Jack's Living Dead Girl Part 7!

Part 6

The following scene is a treat for the whole family. It has been compared to Milo & Otis by many, many people, none of whom presently exist outside my head. The adorableness of this scene should not overshadow the fact that a person is murdered, though. Let's take look!

Part 5

This next scene features the introduction of a rock-jawed Adonis named Keith. Settle down ladies! You'll also notice some stentorian patrons in the coffee-shop who appear to be louder than the actual actors in the scene. I think the filmmakers wanted to create an atmosphere of a much-frequented coffee shop. Either that or the actual patrons are inconsiderate pricks. This mystery and more in Jack's Living Dead Girl Part 5!

OK

It seems there are a lot more splink-related things on the interwebs than I ever could have imagined. I hereby endorse all splink-like products, even the Earth Mother crap at http://www.splink.com/.

Shit!

I don't think I'm doing this right. That was definately not Part 4, I think it's safe to say. Well, I tentatively suggest that this next video will be, God willing, the harrowing continuation of Jack's Living Dead Girl!

Whoops!

Um...I think I put the wrong embed code in that last one. That didn't look familiar, and didn't really make sense. This should be the next frightening chapter in Jack's Living Dead Girl! Mwua ha ha ha ha haaa!

Part 4

Previously, our heroes left a party in the frightening dark. They are about to meet an unexpected enemy. Let's watch!

Part 3

Just in time to satiate your unrelenting craving for no-budget online youtube movies, here is: Jack's Living Dead Girl Part 3:

Full Disclosure

I thought I had actually created the word "splink" and considered it a source of intense pride but in Googling the word splink I did notice there is what appears to be a New Age horseshit cite called http://www.splink.com/. So, I think it should be noted that they have nothing to do with this blog and when I say "have some splink" I am not referring their products. The splink I am referring to works more like the word Smurf in that it has no fixed meaning. More specifically, "splink" enabled me to get past the tedious blog naming process by being complete gibberish and, therefore, available. Stay tuned!

Part 2

I know what you're thinking: "Having just watched part one of Jack's Living Dead Girl, I am all too intrigued as to what happens next." Well, you can stop thinking in strangely complete sentences now because I am bringing you Jack's Living Dead Girl Part 2

Watch the fucking movie

Get ready for a movie that is frightening and erotic, not unlike syphilis. It stars some of the brightest and most fetching former college students this side of someplace that has those things. And while I may be biased in my views, I consider myself a farely good judge of talent, although I was certainly wrong that Aaliyah's final pilot would "revolutionize piloting planes." This is a story of love lost, justice squandered, life unbridled, and other dramatic words thrown together at random. And it features some innovative camera techniques.* So strap yourselves in for the film critcs are calling "I've never heard of it." Ladies and gentlemen and subsets therein, get ready for: JACK'S LIVING DEAD GIRL PART 1



*Innovative is industry shorthand for "should have been done better."