A New Review!

Wow, a new review of  Jack's Living Dead Girl is in! The reviewer promises to get "deep" into the movie, because there are many layers to this film. Like Inception, it is one shocking thing after another. Also like Inception, it all seems like it might be a bad dream. Anyway, here are his profound thoughts on Jack's Living Dead Girl:

You saw a what?

I point you to a quote from Michael Bloomberg in last weeks Time: "[T]he last time I saw a deer with a bullet-proof vest was a long time ago."

Folks, I'm worried about Michael Bloomberg. I'm not sure his mental health history has been scrutinized as much as it should have been. How else am I supposed to take his confession that he has seen a deer in armor. This needs to be investigated. I'm sorry, but a man can't just admit he's seen a deer wearing a bullet-proof vest and then leave it at that. How could this not elicit a follow-up question? Like: How often did you see this "deer?" What other things did you used to see? Did you tell anyone about this "deer?" Did these deer visitations interfere with your day? Are you on some sort of medication?

Should this deer militia start haunting him again, who knows what he could do with his command of city power. This man is a danger to himself and others. He must be stopped!

Today's Hero of Science: Stubbins Ffirth

Besides having an awesome-looking name (two f's in a row!) Stubbins Ffirth also has an awe-inspiring ball-girth for what he did in his experiments with yellow-fever victims. Specifally, drink their blackish vomit to prove yellow fever isn't contagious. Blackened or not, vomit rarely beckons to be drank, but Stubbins either has no gag reflex or is not altogether bothered when it's triggered. In this latter sense, he is the precursor to our modern day Steve-o. 

Judge him as a wackaloon if you want, but ask yourself:  If a yellow fever victim was retching in a bucket in front of you, would you say "Hey, don't empty your bucket when you're done. I mean to drink that." Me neither! And the fact that the vomit was black makes it even more gross, and thus, more heroic.

So, Stubbins! I bow to you, you sick fucking bastard.

Why, thankee madam!

Our first review for our movie Jack's Living Dead Girl is in, and, overall, I'd say she liked it. I agree with most of her criticisms, although they were unavoidable considering what we were working with (incompetence). But she is practically gushing with praise towards the end of her review. I have to say, it almost made me blush!

Santorum!

Apparently that frothy mix of fecal matter and lube that is often created during anal sex is called santorum after secretly gay senetor Rick Santorum. I'm glad there is actually a name for it. I'm sick of saying "Honey, we made that stuff again."

People?

Two million, two hundred and ninety-two thousand, one hundred and five views:



I don't want to downplay the her child-like singing into a chunk of wood but we made a movie. Whatever happened to respect for hard work? Whatever happened to the Protestant Ethic? Whatever happened to the magnetic allure of vampires? Has it all been eclipsed by a love of haunting quasi-Asian eternal children singing into wooden animals?

By the way, her follow-up proved just as popular:



I'm only slightly relieved to report that this is a big improvement on her other, vastly popular, talent of staring creepily into the camera for thirty seconds.

Rapestock

I was watching Real Time on HBO and Bill Maher says that the sexual assault of Lara Logan is due to Muslim men's contempt for women. I don't know if it's primarily a Muslim thing, but it sounds like it's certainly a cultural thing. It sounds like Egypt hasn't built up the mores that make people ashamed of harassing a woman. But I have trouble using this episode to point my finger at backward Arab culture; something I normally love to do. For one thing, there are much better statistics to make the point. I have read astounding percentages of female genital mutilation in Egypt, from Christians and Muslims alike. But also, I remember the horrendous rapes at Woodstock '99. As in Egypt, it was a jubilant crowd of men and women, all crushed together. The difference in this case is that there were multiple rapes at Woodstock and nobody in the crowd tried to help. I remember Dexter Holland of the Offspring decrying all the molesting during there performance.  I suppose one could argue that all the rapists at Woodstock '99 were Muslim, but then one would be a fucking moron. Also, there are numerous reports of women being gang-raped in the American armed forces.

It does sound like Egyptian society has a great deal of contempt for women as sexual beings; more so than in America. But where ever a woman is enveloped by a group of macho men they seem to have a good shot of being raped. This point is also illustrated in the movie Jack's Living Dead Girl. It is a movie I helped make, and, while it is not exactly a celebration of womanhood, it comes down firmly on the side of anti-rape.

Rolling Stone Gathers Dross

I get on my computer a few minutes ago and I find this charming story: Justin Beiber Answers Questions, Get's Shit on For Doing So. I've seen Justin Beiber on Conan O'Brian and Jimmy Kimmel and he is painfully uninteresting to talk to, as are most kids. So instead of just not interviewing a 16-year-old kid with nothing to say, Rolling Stone asks him about politics. Justin Beiber answered the questions. The result was groundshakingly unrevealing: Justin Beiber doesn't think about many things. For doing Rolling Stone the service of answering their questions, some grown-ups at MSNBC, who show slightly less maturity in covering politics than Justin Beiber, proceed to censure him for this favor.

They first take a ripe ol' dump on this reply: "I'm not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." The MSNBC people no doubt laughed uproariously at this response and then contemptuously ran to their keyboards. "What a stupid answer? How stupid could one child be?" Reading the response, I'm having trouble figuring out what is so dumb about this answer. It mirrors my feelings exactly. I, also, am not sure about the parties. MSNBC demands that people belong to one party or the other so they can report black-and-white, unnuanced, bullshit, poll-driven news but, unfortunately, actual people in the real world have complex emotions. Also, some people have better things to do than watch Chuck Todd masturbate on the White House lawn, thinking about election season coming around again. Also, it's clear Mr. Beiber means North Korea, and it is the opinion of the majority of American and Canadian citizens that it is bad. The author apparently thinks their are merits to the North Korean slave-kingdom. Who is writing this, Ramsey Clark?

 The author of the piece has heroically chosen to be anonymous as it mocks a foreign child for being ignorant about American politics. But I'm almost positive that, if anybody gave two shits about it's untalented kid, the response would be equally ignorant.

Justin Beiber answers the abortion question with the ignorant "baby-killing" trope, proving that anti-choice understanding of abortion is junior-high level idiocy. Beiber is probably just parroting the opinions of his parents. That's what I did as a kid.

They then asked him about rape (WTF?) and he answered as if he had never thought about it before in his life. The author of the piece has it's kids think about little else but rape, as do most parents. Beibers parents have dropped the ball on giving their kid a well-thought out response to the rape question.

I don't know what people were supposed to get out of Rolling Stone asking a standard dumb kid about American politics, but it appears that some people got the satisfaction of feeling smarter than a child. I congratulate them on their acheivement.

If you want to feel smarter than an adult you should watch Jack's Living Dead Girl.

A National Hero, Shamed (?)

Like everyone else I was appalled that widely renown journalist, Nir Rosen, seemed happy Lara Logan was sexually assaulted. I get all my news from peoples tweets and consider it the richest source of journalism extant today. I also consider it a record of peoples immutable feelings and not in any way different than a published piece. I certainly don't consider tweets impulsive in any manner. I think the general tweet is pored over relentlessly before it's entered for all to see. I think this because the grammar and spelling is usually flawless. And if I'm wrong may the lord damn my eyes.

Also, like everyone, I was astonished that someone so well-respected and widely-read could write something so heinous. Then, of course, I realized that I have no fucking idea who Nir Rosen is. I'm pretty sure his rape-celebration IS his most widely-read piece. So, the guy is not exactly Bob Woodward. This appears to be the first time the majority of people have ever heard of him. I'm not exactly sure why he is inducing such strong feelings in people. It's not like he betrayed our trust. Nobody knows who he is! It's not that much different than if my old American Government professor from Wayne State College tweeted "Take that, Logan!"

But, that being said, me and my colleagues on the movie Jack's Living Dead Girl are huge supporters of the revenge-killing of rapists. That's why we made a movie about it. So watch it, and forget about Nir Rosen.

Old Man Rivers

Here is a kind of amazing article about "genius" child pornographer Larry Rivers. I'm not really a fan of the art world, personally. The article shows the cult of personality that can develope around a person, to the point that, if they shit in a shoe and sprinkle leaves on it it's considered "provocative" "art." It doesn't take any noticeable talent to be considered an artist, which is one reason I could care less that they starve.

My brother and I went to an art museum in Omaha, Nebraska (I think) and saw a drawing of a Minotaur by Picasso and were outraged. I can't find a picture of it online but it wasn't too different from this:



I hope I'm not shocking anybody by declaring this not good. I have seen parents disappointed in better drawings than this when handed to them by their children.

I know, I know, I just don't understand it. The shittier the artwork, the more "misunderstood" the artist. I think what I understand least is how I'm not also considered an artist. Because I am terrible at drawing. I seem to be right up the art world's alley. I can't draw, I can't paint, I can't sculpt anything remotely recognizable. I'm practically a visionary of modern art, how am I not renowned?

People seem to be celebrated for something literally anybody could do. I have yet to meet a person who isn't capable of pissing in a jar and dropping a crucifix in it.. I tend to feel the same way about most photographers. Do you see many pictures you think you couldn't have taken? I don't. If you're not in harm's way, you're not a good photographer. At the same art museam I saw a color photo of an old naked man on a swing. What are the odd's that, with the same ingredients (for whatever reason), you couldn't have come up with the same picture. I'd say the odd's are low. But would anybody want your picture of naked-swing-man. Nope. You're not a photographer.

And if you made lewd videos of your children that cause them years of psychological damage you would be considered a pervert by everyone. But let Larry Rivers do it and it's "art" because everything an "artist" decides to do is "art." Larry was just breaking taboos with his subversive art. You know what else is taboo? Having sex with your adolescent daughters. It is rightly condemned when done by the neighborhood physician but if Larry Rivers did it to "push the envelope" and because he was "curious" as an "artist" it would be considered the "misguided" art of a "provocative" "genius." I guess this is what happens when you have absolutely no standards to meet. The one standard I thought we could all agree on is "don't terrorize your children." As a society we seem to have come to this understanding. But in the Polanski-besotted art world child-rape and child-terror just makes you a rebel.

Sunday Roundup

Charles "Dorian" Krauthammer expresses his thoughts on the resignation of Hosni Mubarak:



Boy, he's right on the money. No wonder they gave this guy the Pulitzer.

Fr/anne

I've just learned that Fran Lebowitz is not Annie Leibovitz. This is tremendously helpful to know. And it clears up some of the confusion I've had over the horror and disgust Fran expressed when I asked her to photograph me splayed on a bear-skin rug.

Splink M.D.

I've always said athletes are so stupid their brains must hurt when they read and Time magazine is now telling me I'm right.  To wit:

"It's easy enough to make the case that any person who has suffered a brain injury needs a long period of recuperation before returning to vigorous physical activity. But what about vigorous intellectual activity? The brain is a cognitive machine, and it requires an enormous amount of energy to keep its gears moving. That's a fact concussed kids often confront when they resume their classwork after an injury and find that their symptoms return the moment they crack a book. "Cognitive exertion requires a high degree of metabolic activity," says Gioia. "If you have a brain that's already impaired, that ability is going to be reduced."

I think this means I've graduated from movies, to journalism, to neuroscience!

A-ha!

While Sarah Palin is currently very much pro-cookie and anti-health advice there was a time when she had the following words to say: "Alaska would be hard to give up because it is such a part of who I am. So much of my life revolves around the great outdoors that that would be kind of tough," Palin said. "But on the other hand, I think of being in D.C. and in a position to promote physical fitness and the benefits of making good decisions health-wise and being an example to others, and I know that could do some good for our country."

She said this in a long interview with Runner's World magazine but you would have to be out of your fucking gourd to want to read a long interview about running so I suggest you read the final paragraph here.

I'm sure the reason she changed her mind is completely virtuous and not at all cynical and petty, but I would like to hear what it is nonetheless.

Assuming I'm the first person to uncover this gem (which I am content to do without any proof), I believe this means I have graduated from movies to journalism. The future seems so bright from here!

Gwyneth Paltrow?

A while ago I encountered a bizarre and petulant article written in 1999 by Michelle Goldberg in which she shits all over Gwyneth Paltrow for being pretty and successful. Apparently this cattiness among writers has been simmering in the general populace and is now boiling over because I have encountered two more articles informing me that the world as whole, spends most of it's time thinking hate-filled thoughts about Gwyneth Paltrow. (Here and here). I find it hard to believe that so many people hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I find it hard to believe people have intense feelings about her one way or the other. As reasons why people hate Gwyneth Paltrow, Buzzfeed lists "7 pretentious quotes." The odds of the general populous having encountered any one of those quotes is slim. It seems much more likely that anyone who does hate Gwyneth Paltrow hates her because so many fat and ugly writers write about how much they hate her. If somebody even knows enough about Gwyneth Paltrow to hate her, I hate them. Who are these people wasting their life researching Gwyneth Paltrow? And forming opinions about her as a person? Am I the only one who watched Shallow Hal, laughed, and moved on? People don't hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Bratty journalists might  hate Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't think she has ever even come up in a conversation I've had. If your conversations include strong feelings about someone as innocuous as Gwyneth Paltrow, you have a deep hole in your life that is being filled with horseshit. As a general rule, people who spend there free time caring about what celebrities do are empty and pathetic people and their opinions don't matter to any right-thinking person. If you meet somebody who says "I fucking hate Rene Russo" you should never speak to that person again. This person cares much too deeply about things that don't matter.

Say what?

Another curious keyword search lead someone onto this blog. Someone, apparently, was interested in finding some "splink bushn." What might be even scarier is that Google asks "did you mean spline bushing." How is that a reasonable suggestion? Spline bushing?

Anyway, may the quest for copious amounts of splink bushn be frutiful. And stay away from the spline bushing. That shit will fuck you up.

Um, Sir?

Conservative theocrat Don Feder appears to have a strange fetish; a visual so nice he uses it twice: Nathan Lane in a burka.

" He’s also speaking at the Log Cabin Republicans (GOProud is an offshoot) National Convention, which opens on April 28, putting him in danger of being mistaken for Nathan Lane’s older brother in a burka." (Huh?)

" In 2006, Al-Arian pleaded guilty (to) ‘conspiracy to make or receive contributions of funds to or for the benefit of the Palestinian Islamic Jihad.’” – which makes Hamas look like Nathan Lane in a burka."

What's with this guy and putting Nathan Lane in a burka? Is this a visual he wrestles with most the day? It seems likely. He can't stop talking about gays. There are only two kinds of people who spend most the day thinking about gay people: normal gay people, and gay people who wish they weren't gay. Don Feder is most likely the latter. He makes Nathan Lane in a burka look like Bruno in a niqab.

Behead those who call Islam violent

From Times of India: " Facing death threats from extremist elements, senior Pakistan People's Party leader Sherry Rehman has withdrawn from Parliament a bill aimed at amending the controversial blasphemy law through elimination of the mandatory capital punishment under it.

 

"No Muslim would expect not to protect the Holy Prophet's name, and no Pakistani would ever suggest anything other than that," she said. "

 

Personally, I pity people who will never experience the joy of mocking Islam.

 

Here's a joke I heard: Arab scientists have invented a time-traveling device that can transport an entire country back to the 7th century. They're calling it "Islam."

 

Oh, what fun!

Buzkashi

Hey, if anyone has a dead goat lying around, here's something to do:

Rogue's Gallery: Patrick Hager

Take a look at this tear-stained letter some guy wrote to Time:

"As the father of an adult son living with epilepsy, I am disappointed in Klein's unfortunate word choice in comparing the stridency of cable-TV news to an "epileptic seizure." I look to TIME to bring clarity and thoughtfulness to news, not to contribute to the stigmatization of such a misunderstood and underfunded disorder. Perhaps Klein can take this opportunity to report on the lack of coherent national policy relating to epilepsy, which affects the daily lives of millions of Americans."

Patrick Hager, ST. PAUL, MINN.

Firstly, who looks to Time for clarity and thoughtfulness? It comes free to my place so I read it every week. I rarely come away thinking, "Now every thing is clear thanks to that insightful article!" I usually come away thinking, "How do they manage to relate everything to the next election cycle?"

Secondly, is Patrick Hager really so fatuous as to not recognize a simile? Joe Klein didn't say epilepsy caused the stridency in cable-TV news. In fact, reading the article again, it doesn't seem to me that he mentioned stridency at all. He was referring to the overreaction, on cable news, to every single event, causing them to shake and quiver as if they had epilepsy. At least that's what I took away. To be honest, the line doesn't even make that much sense. Such vague lines are perfect for oversensitive people just waiting for the next oppurtunity to whine. This guy is like the Al Sharpton of epilepsy.

"Contribut[ing] to the stigmatization of such a misunderstood and underfunded disorder." As misunderstood as it may be, nobody on earth thinks epilepsy leads to cable news anchor symptoms. Nobody watches cable news and says "Thanks a lot epilepsy!"

Imagine if an earthquake shook apart my building and I was interviewed on CNN. They ask me "What happened to your building" and I said, "Well, it just started shaking itself apart, like it was having an epileptic seizure." And out there in St. Paul, Minnesota is Patrick Hager, ever vigilant, already howling at the TV before I've even finished my sentence. "He is contributing to the widespread myth that epilepsy causes earthquakes," he shouts. "The injustice! I won't stand for it!"

This is the kind of idiocy that goes by the name of "advocacy." It is practiced by people like Al Sharpton and Bill Donohue. And for some reason cable news loves it. These people can always find a forum to whine about a non-issue. Whining is big business these days.

Legitimate whining happens every now and then. It bubbles up a little bit and quickly dissipates. But loud, hysterical whining about something as insignificant as Don Imus can stay in the headlines for weeks. And that is thanks to people like Patrick Hager. A constant victim, ever-whining, about nothing.

Downs Syndrome

I was watching the Becky Babcock story on the E!!! program Kids of Killers and I have to say, I'm not buying it. Becky is the daughter of Diane Downs who shot three of her children and immediately conceived another one. The "one" was Becky Babcock who was put up for adoption. She ended up finding out there was a book about her moms crimes called Small Sacrifices. She didn't read it, but she saw a picture of her mom's hands and discovered to her horror that (make sure your sitting) THEY HAVE THE SAME HANDS! Yep, identical hands. This realization set her off on a spree of meth-fueled sex. I have to remind you that she does not, at any time, know her mothers crimes. This is all motivated by hand similarity. If they both had hooks for hands it wouldn't make this any less stupid. Unfortunately for the universe, she sought help at the only place more fucked up than the arms of Diane Downs: a Christ-based treatment facility. These places have a tendency to churn out Glenn Becks and George Bushes. She wants to be an obgyn now, and a Christ-based obgyn sounds too much like someone who works at a crisis pregnancy center. It's too early to tell, but I'm thinking Downs should have shot this kid as well.